Horror Movie 3: Alone in the Dark

So, for movie three of my Halloween reviews I chose to review Alone in the Dark, I know it’s a bad movie and I chose to do it so I could bitch about it.  The thing that I did not realise is this is quite a unique movie.  Bad movies can sometimes get better with repeat viewings, you come to understand what the director is trying to convey with the images he puts onto the screen.  Alone in the Dark is not one of these movies.

This movie just succeeds in getting worse with every viewing.  Whether it be Christian Slater and Stephen Dorff’s bad acting or the complete lack of continuity, this movie is just bad.  It’s not even based on the game of the same name.  You would think that if they purchased the rights to the game now they would at least LOOK at the game and at least try to match the movie up to it, but no.  Nothing in this movie makes sense, not the casting, the script or anything.

Another argument would be “but some movies are so bad they are good”, well this movie blows that argument away with an atomic blast of crapness.  This movie is just bad, bad bad bad BAD do you hear me? I said BAD.  There is nothing that could make me recommend this movie at all.  Uwe Boll should be arrested for crimes against humanity and movies, seriously it is THAT bad.

I’ve bitched about the acting already but let’s look at some of the cast.  First we have Christian Slater, watching this movie makes me wonder did he EVER make a good movie? Yeah he was quite good in True Romance but then again was he that good? True Romance was a good movie because of the cast yes, but I’d argue Slater was actually one of the weaker stars in it.  Dorff in this movie is just as bad.  He’s another actor who I have to re-examine after watching this.  His best performance for me may be Blade, but on second thoughts it was hardly a strong character he played in that.  Finally there is also Tara Reid, what the hell is she doing playing a character that is meant to have brains? I’m sorry but she never had brains, she can’t ACT like she’s got brains so why the hell was she so miscast? She’s a brainless bimbo that is all.

Another thing that annoyed me in the movie was the so called “Xenos”, any fans of Alien and Aliens would be also pissed off with this.  This is pretty much a rip off of “Xenomorphs” from Aliens, the creatures themselves are quite Gigeresque in their design which to me is annoying.  The makers of this movie (yes thats Uwe Boll) should get more of an imagination or as I said before USE THE SOURCE MATERIAL when making his movies.

So, would I recommend this movie? Only if you wanted to commit suicide.  Saying this movie is poor is just being nice, and too nice.  This movie is fucking horrendous, simple as that.  There is no saving it.  From bad acting to a bad script, to even worse direction this is a movie straight out of hell made to make you want to rip your eyes out of their sockets.  Don’t watch it, if you own it burn it.  IF YOU OWN IT?!?! Who would buy this shit seriously? If you ever did buy this crap I doubt you have taste, I really do.

So yes, think about this review and realise this is my reaction from a second viewing.  I’ve managed to see this crap two times and it’s literally made me want to pull my eyes out of their sockets.  Tomorrow I’ll be reviewing a movie I know I like, not crap like this.  My sanity can only take so much attack and movies like Alone in the Dark are made to make you crazy, simple as that.

My rating for this movie? 1/10 whats the 1 for? The fact it ended.