The Twilight Saga: New Moon

Let’s start by saying New Moon is not a movie aimed at me, I’m not a teenage girl.  Then of course I have to answer the question “then why review it?” the answer is simple really, because modern culture pushes it into the genre of horror and I review horror movies.  Oh yeah, it’s got werewolves and vampires in it.

When the movie starts it’s pretty much made it’s mind up that you’ve seen the first movie.  If you’ve not then you’ll be totally lost.  Bella is happy with Edward and everything is sparkly cool, in a miserable kind of way, could Edward ever be happy? Nah, it’s impossible.  Everything goes wrong when Bella gets a papercut and sends one of the vampires into a blood frenzy (a scene filled with over acting and cheesiness).  With this BIG drama Edward and his family decide they have to run away from Bella and that she’ll never see them again.

So what does Bella do? Well other than screaming all the time and acting even more miserable than she ever could she falls into the arms of Jacob who just turns out to be a werewolf (big fluffy CGI werewolf…I’m sure you can see my love of them).  Along with his “cocky” pack they defend their territory from the mean evil vampires (who Bella seems to think are not monsters at all but happy people who glitter in the sun and never kill people).  Bella proceeds to tease Jacob to within an inch of the poor guys life while all the time pining for her pale faced glitter wearing vampire.  As Bella fights to get glimpses of Edward she finds she must also contend with vampires from the past who for some reason seem to have a problem with Bella…oh the drama.

So, let’s start on the plus points of this movie.  The first thing I’d say the direction is hugely improved.  Gone is the motion sickness inducing sweeping shots of the first movie to be replaced by atmospheric scenes created by a director who finally seems to know what they are doing.  The second plus point? Kristen Stewart’s performance is actually quite tolerable in this movie.  She’s not a bad actress really, but she has to work with what she’s given and the problem is what she’s given is bad.

Now I’m past the good points let’s get to the bad.  The storyline for this movie is quite honestly terrible.  It’s so simplistic that you have to question why even bother using vampires and werewolves at all? Just call it One Tree Hill and add a few more storylines in there and you’d never know the difference, really.  If the “monsters” are being used to try make a unique story then it fails big time.  Also having a veiled attempt to turn this into some kind of Romeo and Juliet style story fails hugely as I’d argue the writer does not have the ability to handle the themes involved.

Other than Kristen Stewart and some of the older actors the rest of the cast are poor.  They are so wooden that they are lucky the watcher can tell the difference between the trees and the actors.  Again this could be down to what they have to work with, most of the script seems to ask for the character to be moody, or angry or a domineering asshole who thinks he has the right to control women.

So, did I like the movie? I’d say it’s watchable and probably little teen girls who watch it won’t give a shit about the storyline just which “hot” guy takes his shirt off next.  Of course nobody seems to realise the whole homoerotic nature of a bunch of topless guys running through the trees together and letting their “inner beasts” out (how Freudian).

This movie is miserable.  Don’t bother watching it if you actually want to be in a good mood, this will ruin your day.  I don’t mean to be overly harsh on the movie but even in it’s happier moments it’s almost suicide inducing.  But it DOES have amusing moments (that aren’t meant to be), especially Edwards Cheshire cat moments where his bodiless head appears to “warn” Bella not to do something, or to remind her what she said she’d not do.  He’s the ultimate obsessive boyfriend but just in head form…oh and who has left her (it’s that stalker theme from the first movie again isn’t it?).

The whole male dominating women issue in this movie is something that probably bugged me the most.  The women seem to have to live in servitude of the men and do what they are told.  Bella WILL be Jacobs, Edward spends most of the movie appearing randomly to tell her what to do, way to show a strong woman in a book aimed at teens eh?  I think it gives them a bad message, Bella should be a stronger person and not allow herself to be controlled…but no, she’s bossed around by the “angry” werewolf and the “miserable” vampire…not stereotypes at all are they?

So I’ll end before my rants go on for the rest of the day.  So yes, watchable movie but don’t go if you want an actual good storyline.

Rating 4/10