I know I said that eventually I would do Dante’s Inferno but this has sort of come up and needed to be done. For the purpose of this review I will be looking at the Console versions only, I have played the SNES version, the Gamecube version, the Wii version and the DS version. I may well have played the N64 version in my youth but I don’t remember it and I will declare now that when I do, I will put a little edit here telling you how it went.

The original Mario Kart idea was a little fun title so that you could arse about with your mates and enjoy yourself  (which is what games should be about…), Mario Kart 64 is its next incarnation with the same emphasis but with updated graphics and tracks, Mario Kart Double Dash brought an unprecedented level of innovation to the proceedings and Mario Kart Wii… eurgh…

I have played the original Mario Kart and I loved it, simple, addictive, fun and a joy to play, most of the tracks and characters are on the DS version of the game (which some call the best, but it isn’t a console version so we sadly have to ignore it) and as it is technically “genesis” it should be praised for creating the whole genre (just as Eddie Van Halen should be praised for “inventing” tapping). Like most racing games applying a story is a little like applying commentary to a funny animal: ultimately pointless, so Nintendo thought “fuck it, they’re racing, deal with it” and you have to give some respect to them for being so brazen with their testicles and just making a game which really doesn’t make much sense in the “Mario World”. So what? Games don’t HAVE to make sense, they can just be fun. Tetris has no plot and yet it is easily recognised as one of the greatest games of all time, so fuck you story people (I can’t believe I said that either) and Graphics people you can fuck off too, this is about game play and level design and it’s virtually ALL perfect.

In fact, I’m willing to spread that sentiment across the entire line… if it wasn’t for Mario Kart Wii. Before I crucify that slime-shit of a game with my bare hands, let’s skip merrily to Double Dash and cuddle up to it for a second. I bought Double Dash for my Gamecube. I loved my Gamecube, 2 of my top 5 games come from that console (of which Double Dash is one) and I am willing to admit that perhaps my adoration of that console may colour my judgement slightly. Mario Kart double dash was the first game I’ve ever played where it didn’t matter if you lost because you would probably laugh your face off as you got blown up by a shell, or a bomb or as Wario drove past (“WAH-HAH!”), unlocking characters was fun and combining different characters for different car/special weapon combos was a slight science and me and my sister would spend hours with me being my beloved Parakoopa and my sister flitting between any of the light characters (sometimes we would go for a Yoshi/Parakoopa combo which ended up being a can of rape driven by me and my sisters impeccable timing and devious statistical cunning) It is this 1p & 2p Vs 3p & 4p system which made Double Dash so different to the other games and so much fun. The battle mode was an excuse to piss about looking for bombs/favourite weapons in specially designed arenas whilst giggling your face off as everyone exploded around you and the chance to unlock new modes, karts, levels and records was just too much fun to ignore. I remember vividly spending ages in time attack getting corners and tracks perfect, finding all the shortcuts and still enjoying it. I will happily admit I’m the kind of nerd who will happily sit down and work out army lists for tabletop games arguing the merits over whether a Fast Attack or an Elites choice is favourable in my 1,000 point game, but playing with Double Dash was a joy. This is partly down to the Gamecube itself, which I still proclaim has the best designed controller on earth.

Just quickly, I should point out this raised some debate amongst friends. Matt and others have rallied around the x-box 360 controller (which is the only controller out of the current 3 major consoles which actually fills my whole hand comfortably), Ant rallied behind the N64 controller (completely understandable when you take into account how innovative it is) and many others rallied behind the playstation controller, which has remained unchanged for decades since the original playstation analog controller. I hate that controller, simply because my giant man hands demand that I cripple myself just to use any other button during a racing game or fumble as the minute shoulder buttons become indistinguishable from each other.

Back to Mario Kart and after the tongue flicking which Double Dash got we come to Mario Kart Wii. What I’m about to write I don’t want to say, I want to tell you that the motion controls are slick, the levels fun and diverse. the characterisation is fun and that the wii graphics do the newest game justice.

Unfortunately I can’t. The controls are actually the thing I hate most about the game because it is simply better to use a gamecube controller, gimmicks are all well and good but they are only useful if they WORK. It seems to me that the wiimote can only understand that you are turning it, not by how much or to what degree, just that you happening to be turning it. I am fully prepared to admit I may be wrong, but it’s how it appears and this shows the complete lack of subtlety that the new version has to offer. The levels are more about spectacle than actual skill and are shoved so full of gimmicks it’s somehow hard to understand what the fuck is going on. Instead of the fresh, almost child-like simplicity of the original games it has become an over-loaded cluster-fuck of shite. Perhaps that is a bit harsh but I can’t help feel that having a wheel takes away the “game element” and simply replaces it with a gimmick. I know I have raised a contradiction here in that falling of the edge is funny in Double Dash and not in Wii, well it’s not a contradiction. If you fall off because YOU are shite not because the controls are then it is funny, if you end up playing a game of luck you might as well leave the controller where it is with a dead goldfish to weight the accelerator button down, luckily there is an option to use a gamecube controller, unfortunately anyone who uses the gamecube controller will instantly win because it’s better and will then proceed to shit over everyone. Great, you win the game but look like a sad wanker for doing it, this actually happened the other day during a friendly meet up and proved 2 things to me:

A) The Gamecube controller is the tits and should be hailed as a god.

B) Double Dash looks REALLY pretty when played on a Wii.

So there ya go, why you shouldn’t buy Mario Kart Wii- because it’s on the Wii, and why you should buy Mario Kart Double Dash- because it’s hilarious good fun.