I have to start this review with a couple of points about myself so we can get into the swing of things.

A) I am a cynic. I don’t like anything and I’m entirely skeptical of everything.

B) I don’t like hype, and I don’t like spectacle, part of the reason why I haven’t watched a film in a cinema for 3 years.

C) I like taking the piss out of things, even if I like them, so try and be objective about this review and imagine that I’m a slightly sunnier person than appears here.

Dragon Age is an RPG available on PS3, x-box 360 and PC. This alone should tell you about the kind of person that plays it. Saddos, freaks… VIRGINS. This is exceptionally true of me (apart from the last, because I get more pussy than the RSPCA), as the game seems to appeal to the small subsection of society that read the Silmarillion by J.R.R. Tolkien and thought “Fucking hell, at last, a reference tool to put the other books into context.”

Dragon Age: Origins is like almost every other fantasy RPG on the planet. Stuck somewhere between Middle-earth, Narnia and Topshop lies Ferelden. A world in apparent peace but occasionally assaulted by Darkspawn (fallen mages who have succumb to dark magicks, temptation and sexy naked demons). A mystical world of Elves, Dwarves, Dragons, Darkspawn and Rats… Sorry, Humans. Yes, it appears that like every other fantasy setting humans are the biggest wankers since Leslie Grantham in Ferelden, and that Dwarves are borderline elitists who have to bear grudges lest they be seen as hippies and the Elves are either grim, stoic, self-important, nihilistic arseholes or over-optimistic proles. It’s up to you to decide which of these you want to be before you find out what they role they fit into.

I suppose this is Dragon Age’s biggest selling point. It allows you to make choices at the beginning of the game that can affect your path throughout the game and ultimately the choices you can make at the end. A choice system automatically means a lot of text and it is this premise on which Dragon age relies. You can’t walk 4 steps in Dragon Age without falling over something which updates your amazing codex of exposition, of course, you don’t have to read this but if you ever want to have a hope in hell of understanding why people react in a certain way you really have to. This appeals to me because I am a wordy bastard (you should be able to tell by now), and so I gleefully spent a whole 2 hours doing the starter mission asking every single elf I came across what an elf like me thinks. Turns out, incidentally, that an elf like me thinks everyones a pussy for not hiding in a wood. No, I can’t quite work it out either.

Wandering through the game as an elf everyone assumes that you’re subservient to man and when they finally realise that the huge sword on your back isn’t for someone else they show immediate deference to you as a weird apology. Playing as a Dwarf means everyone thinks you’re a bourgeois pisshead and playing as a human means everyone treats you with respect but expects you to behave like Charles Manson with a fetish for darkspawn.

You have 3 options of class: Warrior, Rogue and Mage. This is then seperated into 3-4 different types which essentially equate to “Fuck Magic/Rogue/Warrior up and Fuck Darkspawn up but with more blood” which is by no means a bad thing, it’s just slightly confusing on your first time through.

Most of the game is spent fucking shit up, which is good but based on the World of Warcraft style of “click and let die”, which I like. It actually gives me the chance to accurately press Y for my super deadly combo of death and then X for my not so good combo of death whilst Mr. Super Deadly is having a breather. Along the way you can learn how to make traps, poison shit up, making potions and talk to animals. You will never use any of these, you will invest all your points in coersion meaning people give you shit and combat tactics, allowing you to get the best combos. When you’re not fucking shit up you’re looting for better stuff than you have and equipping yourself with the best shit and occasionally letting your minions wear some old bicycle knee-pads you stole off a skeleton. In between killing and looting you will be bargaining the shit out of people in what is essentially a series of quick-time events in which you don’t have to be quick and you have a choice between being a saint, a twat or ambivalent.

You’re accompanied by several feckless morons who have nothing better to do than follow you around. Each comes with their own agenda, side-quests and likes. You have the option of sexing some of them up (Which I have successfully done with EVERYavailable partner I’d like it known), bargaining with them, sending them home like a naughty school-child and occasionally upgrading them. It’s this which brings Dragon Age to life, the interaction with the other elements of the world in which you occupy and how they react to you, the different types of party member and how willing they are to fuck shit up and their motivations. You will only ever use 2 combinations of squad though, if you wanna be a twat you’ll choose Zevran, Sten and Morrigan and you will fall in love with Morrigan. If you wanna be a pious saint (like me) then you will choose Wynne, Alistair and Leliana and fall desperately in love with the buxom redhead… hmmm… buxom redheads… If you decide for some variety you will choose the Dog or the Dwarf.

Enough of the mechanics and backplot, lets examine the actual game itself. Yes, it’s quite pretty and the story is engaging, the characters are well rounded and it’s actually got some lasting gameplay. You will WANT to progress with the story because you will WANT to know what happens next, and if you’re paying attention and the kind of person who likes these games then you’re going to pick up on all the tantalizing little tit-bits they leave lying around to pique your interest.

In essence the main point of this game is “If you’re that kind of person”. I know this is a pretty generic point to some,  but virtually everyone has played Fable 2, it’s accessible, fun and pretty quick to play through whereas that is not strictly the case with Dragon Age. You will need to be “of a certain type” to want to play this, and by that I mean someone who isn’t drawn in by Hype and Spectacle. If you need immediate action, constant enemies and only the slightest excuse to kill something play Halo, if you need a story line, engaging characters and a completely immersive world then buy Dragon Age: Origins.