Film Review: Piranhaconda

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There was a time that “creature features” meant giant ants in the desert or giant spiders, or even a Godzilla-esque action movie.  Then we got to the point where everything seemed to be done, we’d even seen giant crocodiles in Lake Placid, which was quite a good adventure.  Then something mutated in the minds of movie makers and we started to get giant creatures mixed with something else, everything had to be mixed up to stupid levels.  Sharks had two heads, they began to move through sand, you name it we’ve probably had it.  The latest is now Piranhaconda, a huge anaconda with a Piranha head I guess.  The fact is I think I’ll just shrug and accept anything at this moment, even a tiger with butterfly wings that spits out radioactive venom.

Piranhaconda features a story that you almost expect, scientists in the jungle hunting out a rare creature run into it and it decides to kill a few of them.  Professor Lovegrove (Michael Madsen in his usual laid back acting style) escapes and is trapped by a group of kidnappers who also manage to hijack a film crew who are also trying to escape the beast.  The kidnappers don’t believe the warnings of the giant snake creature but soon change their mind as they find themselves under attack.  Can the professor and the film crew escape the kidnappers and the giant creatures with their lives? Why does the professor seem to be hiding some strange eggs? Who writes these stupid stories anyway?

The fact is, if you took films like that seriously your brain would probably melt from how insanely bad they are.  The acting is mediocre the CGI is fairly bad and the death scenes are laughable, but this is not the point.  The point is these films are meant to be good, the women are meant to be scantily clad, in bikinis if possible and the big muscly guys are meant to have their chance to be the big action heroes.  If we can add a few explosions into the mix then it’s even better, and yes as expected Piranhaconda manages to get plenty in.  The death scenes are strange, if I am being honest.  When the creature attacks the victim becomes almost like a mist of blood, screams ensue and cut to a scene of the survivor running away, it’s dorky but it’s expected.  The kidnappers are just extra flesh to be eaten by the creature quite honestly, if this was a 3D film they would still be so two dimensional that they would suck the scenery around them into the space that is meant to be their time to shine.  The point is though, this is not made to be good, it’s not even made to be “so good it’s bad” films like this are meant to just put a strange creature on the screen and Piranhaconda succeeds in that.

The actors you’ll remotely notice or care about in this is of course Michael Madsen and Rachel Hunter, but to be quite honest Madsen is doing his typical “I can’t be bothered to even be in this scene” act, he does it well though and he gets the important lines in.  If anything he is the most important character in the film as he pretty much gives the creature a reason to keep attacking.  Other than that there is no need for Oscar worthy acting here, it just is what it is and you know what to expect.

The modern creature feature style films can be quite hit and miss for me, I’ll either like them or they will bore me to hell.  I’ll admit that I actually had some time for this one, I enjoyed the bad acting the creature took time to grow on me but in the later scenes it has at least some purpose and the action scenes are watchable.  I’ve seen worse than this (think 2-headed shark attack) and I’ve seen better, but I’d argue that Piranhaconda fits in the middle ground, it’s not horrible but it’s not good, it even has the iconic Roger Corman as an executive producer.  If you watch it you won’t feel like you’ve wasted the small time it lasts, you’ll just be glad that you can say you have seen a film about a snake with a lethal fish head that chases Michael Madsen around a jungle.

Piranhaconda will be released on DVD 7th January courtesy of Chelsea Films.

For a chance to win Piranhaconda visit the Creature Feature Competition and come up with your own mutant hybrid monster.

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