Guest Feature: Robot Knockout Tournament

Robots have entertained us for decades from our movie, TV and computer screens, but now they’re going to amuse us by doing their best to smash each other’s processors in.

I intend to find out which will be the last bot standing by hosting a cage match tournament between 8 of science-fiction’s finest robotic creations.

Optimus Prime, the Terminator, R2-D2, Lt Commander Data, Ed209, Glados, Sonny and Johnny 5 will face off in 1 on 1 duels to the death until we have our champion.

A random number generator has assigned each bot’s opponent for the first round, so without further preamble, let’s get underway!

 

Round 1 Match GLaDOS vs R2-D2

  

This is a gut-wrenching first round draw for R2-D2, I could honestly cry for the little guy. He may be the world’s most beloved droid, and I’m pretty sure I’m breaking some major unwritten geek laws here, but I don’t see him defeating GLaDOS.

Taking a look at their respective armaments, R2 is packing nothing more intimidating that a fire extinguisher and a cattle prod. On the other hand GLaDOS has access to missile launching turrets.

R2 may have the advantage in a battle of computing power (let’s face it, GLaDOS’s programming is obviously a little suspect – an obsession with cake can’t be healthy for a robot), but I don’t see GLaDOS giving the little astro-mech enough time to insert his plug into her socket (get your mind out of the gutter) before she blows him up.

The little guy may be able to dodge missiles for a while, but ultimately with no Jedi to burst in and save the day, this round goes to GLaDOS.

 

Round 1 Match Terminator vs Data

This interesting first round draw pits arguably the two most humanoid contestants against each other. Both possess super-human strength and speed, both are highly durable and resistant to damage.

You can argue that the Terminator is a dedicated killing machine from the future… But Data is from significantly further into the future! His materials and construction are far more advanced than the Terminator’s.

On the other hand, Data has an off-switch, which has been his downfall before, but would the Terminator know about it? Or be fast enough to exploit it?

This is a tough one, which has generated quite a lot of debate among the geek community here in my office! Ultimately it could be argued that the Terminator could travel back in time and kill Dr Noonian Soong (Data’s creator), but this requires a time travel device, it’s not something the Terminator can do on his own… and if we’re giving him a time machine, we’ll have to give Data the Enterprise, and I don’t see the Terminator getting back up after being hit with a photon torpedo.

After much debate, this round goes to Data!

 

Round 1 Match Optimus Prime vs Johnny 5

Johnny 5 is cool. He’s defeated other robots armed with lasers, has run rings around human soldiers and comes out with classic lines such as “Hey laser-lips! Your mama was a snowblower!” He’s a really likeable character.

Optimus Prime will no doubt feel really bad as he scrapes whatever is left of number 5 off the bottom of his foot.

Prime takes this one so easily it’s embarrassing.

 

Round 1 Match Ed209 vs Sonny

Another draw which caused controversy; Ed209 is undoubtedly dangerous, being armed with a pair of stunningly lethal automatic cannons and some auxiliary missiles! In comparison Sonny’s armaments consist of some slightly denser hands than usual… Hmmm.

However, Ed209 can’t handle stairs, and has a nasty habit of giving its opponents 20 seconds to surrender. Sonny could attempt to disable his adversary during this time, but he’s more likely to stand around debating the morality of destroying another robot.

If he’d been programmed to follow the three laws, he’d try to protect himself, and have a fighting chance, or maybe he could just attempt to run away down some stairs.

But ultimately Ed209 takes this round. Those cannons would blast chunks out of Sonny, and I don’t see the prototype NS-5 being about to damage Ed (even with his extra-dense hands).

 

Round 2 Match GLaDOS vs Data

 

The first semi-final bout pits an insane AI in control of a ginormous testing facility, against a ridiculously strong, fast & smart android… A difficult one to call.

The general consensus here is that Data is definitely capable of dealing with GLaDOS, but would he manage to disable his maniacal opponent before those missiles found their target and left Data nothing more than a collection of smoking spare parts?

Given that I’ve completed Portal & Portal 2, but never beaten Data in a fight, I’m leaning towards giving this one to the android. Others disagree; they can’t see how Data stands a chance… But I have faith in Star Fleet’s selection processes – I reckon the Lt Commander will be able to find a way to shut down GLaDOS.

This bout goes to Data.

Round 2 Match Optimus Prime vs Ed209

When Optimus Prime was entered into this tournament, there were those who said that none of the other competitors had a chance… Well, Ed209 has enough firepower to cause Prime some real problems.

I can see automatic cannons and missiles being a problem for the leader of the Autobots. The only way he’d have to deal with Ed209 would be to get in close and do some damage in close quarters – something that Prime has shown he’s good at in the past. And the ability to turn into a truck for extra speed is definitely handy for closing the distance quickly.

The inescapable point that really seals Ed’s fate is that, once again, he’s likely to give Prime 20 seconds to surrender! And Optimus isn’t the type to look a gift horse in the mouth.

Even if Ed209 just started blazing away without any warning, the image in my head is of Optimus driving straight at his opponent, shrugging off hits which would kill off a lesser robot, an 80’s power ballad playing in the background, as Prime reaches Ed and promptly turns him into scrap metal!

This round goes to Optimus Prime.

 

Final Match Data vs Optimus Prime

This is the big one! The final contest to decide who triumphs in this series of utterly pointless fights to the death between some of our best loved robots!

I would love to say that the office debate on the result of this bout lasted for days… that people’s views were so strong that fist-fights broke out, open warfare was declared and that we all ran around attacking each other with staplers and hole-punches, screaming our loyalty to either “DATA!” or “PRIME!” as a war cry, painting our faces with the blood of the fallen etc…

But the sad reality is that there was only one guy who thought Data stood a chance against Optimus, and once we’d ganged up and killed him it was unanimous: Prime is the winner and tournament champion.

You may disagree with the result of this post, or have suggestions for who should enter the next robot tournament?

If so, feel free to vent your frustrations/make calm and constructive comments below.

 

The Robot Knockout Tournament was written by James Armstrong on behalf of UK Automation – who would be the guys providing the spare parts to get competitors back on their feet/wheels/tracks.

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